Chuck Vs
by The DeadMan666
Summary: A series of one shots. Some connected, some not. Updates will be sporadic, ideas might come from the show itself or my own twisted mind.
1. The Stripper Pole

**TITLE: The Stripper Pole**

**AUTHOR: The DeadMan**

**RATING: PG**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own "Chuck"**

**or any of the characters**

**--------------------**

Chuck Bartowski couldn't feel any worse than he did right now. Just twenty minutes earlier his best friend Morgan, his girlfriend Anna and Chuck's own girlfriend Sarah, had been in the middle of a very nice and entertaining double date. That was until Chuck flashed on another patron of the Chili's Restaurant, who happened to be a international gun runner.

Chuck still had hard time believing that a bad guy with that much money would eat at a theme restaurant, but to each his own he guessed. So after telling Sarah and breaking the news to Morgan and Anna, Chuck left his CIA girlfriend to her job and drove his two coworkers home.

Approaching the apartment that he shared with his sister, Ellie, and her fiancé, Captain Awesome, Chuck hoped they had already gone to bed so he didn't have to go through another interrogation from his sister. Upon opening the front door Chuck knew that not only did he feel worse then he already did but that he looked at a scene that would take years of therapy to remove from his head.

The front room had only candles for lighting and a very high tempo song was coming from the stereo. Captain Awesome was sitting on the sofa in only his bicycle shorts watching a woman in nothing but a string bikini twirling around a portable stripper pole. Chuck could only guess that the woman was... "Ellie?" he squeaked.

Spinning her head around at the sound of his voice Ellie gasped, "Chuck!"

"Oh, God!" the siblings both yelled before Chuck fainted and Ellie ran for her bedroom trying to cover as much of herself as she could.

**The End**

**--------------------**

A.N. I don't know if California has "Chili's" but I'm from New York so it works. Please Review.


	2. The Breakfast Nook

**TITLE: The Breakfast Nook**

**AUTHOR: The DeadMan**

**RATING: PG**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own "Chuck"**

**or any of the characters**

**--------------------**

Chuck sat at the breakfast table in his standard Nerd Herd uniform, with the top two buttons undone and his tie hanging around his shoulders. After what had happened the previous night he couldn't make himself look at the other end of the table where his sister, Ellie was seated, so he stared into his bowl of cereal.

Ellie had been so shocked from what happened, that before she left her bedroom, she had donned her scrubs, robe, and a sweater along with sneakers and gloves leaving only her head exposed. Ellie kept her eyes off her brother and so just looked off into space with a cup of coffee forgotten in her hands.

The siblings heard Ellie's fiancé Devon, or Captain Awesome as Chuck called him, move from the kitchen after fixing his morning health shake. Still shirtless from his workout The Captain took the chair between Chuck and Ellie. Deciding to break the silence Devon leaned over to Chuck and with a small smile, "Hey, Chuckster? If you and Sarah want to borrow the pole..."

Bolting up Chuck looked wide eyed at Awesome, "What... yah... no! I have... I have to go. Now." he stammered, walking toward the front door. Stopping at the sofa to look at the spot that the pole had been setup in, the night before. Shaking the mental picture from his head Chuck continued out the door on his way to work. Left at the dinning table a grinning Awesome watched as Ellie's face went red and closed her eyes in embarrassment.

"Remember Ell', Chuck and Sarah are having dinner with us tonight."

"Oh, God."

**The End**

**--------------------**

A.N. Please Review


	3. John Casey

**TITLE: John Casey**

**AUTHOR: The DeadMan**

**RATING: PG**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own "Chuck"**

**or any of the characters**

**--------------------**

Sitting behind the Nerd Herd counter Chuck couldn't believe how everyone could act so normal, all while his own world crumpled around him, green-shirt salespeople talking to the customers, Lester and Jeff shooting inappropriate footage, of any woman that walked by, with a video camera. Over by the large appliances Morgan and Anna seemed to be having another fight about Morgans' obsession with Ellie...

Chuck's big sister Ellie. Who helped raise him after their mother left, who took him in after he was expelled from Stanford, who apparently owns a stripper pole and uses it for her fiancé. Chuck stopped that line of thinking after the contents of his stomach seemed to move back into his throat. Covering his mouth he looked for anything to occupy his thoughts for the next few hours, till his shift ended.

Spotting something unfamiliar at the front of the store, Chuck did a double take as he saw his NSA minder John Casey with an actual smile on his face. Cocking his head Chuck had to think why Casey would be smiling like that... and then he remembered all of the surveillance cameras and microphones that Casey had hidden all over the apartment.

"Bartowski." Casey said in his usual gruff way, "Have an interesting night?"

Chuck's head slowly slumped down, making contact on the counter with a bump, "Ow... And you know." It wasn't a question. Sitting up, hands raised in a show of surrender, "Please, Casey not now. And don't tell anyone, OK?" Chuck begged.

With a large smirk Casey said, "Relax Bartowski. I'm sure you're traumatized enough as it is. But you know as well as I do that any harm that comes to the InterSect has to be reported." crossing his arms across his chest Casey continued, "But since you only fainted I just told..."

"Sarah." Chuck interrupted as his face became distressed.

"Walker, right. Look I just came over to say, I erased the video and audio." pausing Casey saw a small but grateful smile appear only for it to vanish just as quick, "And that I hope you and Walker have fun at your 'Couple's Night' dinner with your sister."

Chuck felt his eyes should've rolled out of his head as he watched Casey walk away, "Oh, God."

**The End**

**--------------------**

A.N. Thanks for your reviews. Keep'em comin'.


	4. The Couple's Dinner

**TITLE: The Couple's Dinner**

**AUTHOR: The DeadMan**

**RATING: PG**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own "Chuck"**

**or any of the characters**

**--------------------**

Chuck used to love that sound. Every time he heard it the Sun would seem to shine just a little bit brighter. Sarah's laugh always warmed his heart. Until tonight. Everything had gone so well, Chuck and Ellie had stayed at least five feet from each other, never made eye contact and all conversation was whispered with Captain Awesome as the go-between. Dinner was almost ready when Chuck heard the knock that announced Sarah's arrival, again things were fine as Chuck ushered is girlfriend into the apartment, till Sarah laid her eyes on Ellie and her cool facade broke. Sarah laughed for nearly a full minute.

For the next fifty minutes the dinner went as follows, Ellie would stare across the table at Chuck with a look of accusation that said How-Could-You-Tell-Her!, seeing this look Chuck could only shrug and shake his head in apology since there was no way he could say that their neighbor had spy cameras set up in the apartment, and this interaction between brother and sister would make Sarah cover her mouth and giggle which would make Ellie take a large gulp of her wine and then stare at Chuck from across the table... Devon just ate the lamb chops happily.

Wishing to break the silence over dessert, Awesome picked up the stereo remote, "How about some music?"

Realization came to Ellie to late as her fiancé pressed play and a very high tempo song stated to pump from the speakers, causing Ellie to jump up from the table and run to her bedroom and Chuck to faint once again right into his slice of New York Cheesecake.

"Oh, God!" Sarah actually snorted before laughing.

**The End**

**--------------------**

A.N. Not very long but I can see this happening on the show. Last of four parts, but if I think of anymore I'll post'em. As always review please, good or bad I like it all.


	5. The Registry

**TITLE: The Registry**

**AUTHOR: The DeadMan**

**RATING: PG**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own "Chuck"**

**or any of the characters**

**--------------------**

**Buy More, Burbank**

**Television Wall**

She was the quintessential man-toy, and 32 year old Chuck Bartowski could not take his eyes off it. 92 inches. Black Diamond Technology. Wall-mountable. The king of all TV's, Chuck was able to see his best friend Morgan and himself playing CoD:VI. If his fiancee gives them permission of course.

"My God it's beautiful." Chuck looked over his shoulder at the person who just spoke. He saw a man about his own age and afew inches shorter, wearing blue jeans, a black t-shirt and the loudest Hawaiian shirt Chuck had ever laid eyes on. "Can you imagine seeing the Dodgers on this?"

"I'm more into video games then sports, but either way it would be breathtaking. I doubt my fiancee would approve." Chuck answered, turning to face his new acquaintance.

"Mine neither buddy, mine neither." Offering his hand the man asked, "What do they call you?"

Shaking hands Chuck began, "Chu..." Only to be interrupted by two raised voices.

"CHUCK BARTOWSKI!"

"XANDER HARRIS!"

"You Chuck?"

"Yeah. You Xander?"

"Yup."

With Xander looking left and Chuck looking right both men faced the patented death glares from the women they were engaged to, standing at opposite ends of the aisle. Both women held small store scanners like weapons at the two men.

"The aisle behind us is clear. What do you say? On three we make a break for it?" Xander whispered.

"1... 2... 3!" The men spun and started the escape only to stop short at the sight of a large man in his early forties, standing with his arms folded. Beside him stood a red-headed woman who didn't even reach the middle of his chest, both had glares on their faces as well.

With sullen faces, Chuck said, "We're doomed."

"Seems that way. Theirs only one thing left to do." Xander said.

Turning toward their respective fiance's, with identical smiles and saccharine sweet voices and said, "Hi, honey." Before parting company with heads hanging low.

**----------**

**Buy More, Burbank**

**Twenty Minuets Later**

Two blondes approached the TV wall from opposite directions stopping as they reached the same television the men had been looking at. The shorter of the two with help from her high heeled boots looked the other in the eye.

"How can they get so excited over some wires and plastic?" She asked.

"I don't know. But after everything I've put him through, I can't say no."

So with a smile on her face Sarah Walker, soon-to-be Bartowski, scanned the television's bar-code before allowing the other woman, Buffy Summers, soon-to-be Harris, to scan it as well. As the two walked back to gift registry desk together they said with laughter in their voice's, "Men and their toys."

**The End**

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**A.N.1: **Please read and review. Good or bad, all are welcome.

**A.N.2: **Another one shot, not connected to the first four.

**A.N.3: **Crossover with BtVS. I don't own Cuck or Buffy.


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